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This is from Sam’s Blog
http://samsam009.blogspot.com/2009/01/true-story-about-me.html
Sunday, January 25, 2009
True Story About Me
I read an article in magazine which talk about " how the live lose its’ value if there is no dream". The article explained how people dreams' are relate to their background and surrounding or are affected by someone. So, i know I’m one of these people who dreams were affected by their background and surrounding.
When i was a kid, I dream to be an artist. I have been a great interesting in drawings and painting. and my father has believed, i have a talent, So he always encourage me and provided any tools which progress my hobby. I liked that and i started to contribute in art classes and competitions. I Can't image my life without that encourage is given by my father who worked as a civil engineer in the construction company.
In summer holiday, I went with my father to his work and there i found some architects had drown in sheets and with my Curiosity i looked at them and indivadually i began to simulate it. at that time i changed my dream to be an architect. I thought i would be like my father, but later i know that is a different field. After that, i began to interest in design of historical buildings and sketches were made by architects, my new hoppy continued Till i went to school of architecture for to be what i dream. I was exciting trough my study. But when i graduated from school, my dream grow up to search for my own style and Uniquely in field. So i came to USA for fellow that image. and even my way is hard, I ll' keep on.
I had not any idea or understands of these strange changes in my dreams until read that article in magazine. And I know how surrounding conditions are affected in life and dreams. Another thing i learnt from my experiment is some moments can play major role in change of our dreams.
CONTENT
I think that you had the stuff in your essay that you needed. Take a look at the highly edited essay below. If most of that essay accurately describes you (or, ideally, if most of it says what you wanted to say), then I was able to pull it out of what you wrote. And if I was able to pull it out of what you wrote, the “raw material” must have been there.
COHESIVENESS
Your essay has the “skeleton”: an introduction with a thesis statement, a body that develops the thesis statement, and a conclusion. However, you need more practice “fleshing the out the ‘skeleton.’”
GRAMMAR AND VOCABULARY
How I Became Who I Am
How I Became Me
How I Became Me
I read an article in a magazine that talked about how life loses its value if there is no dream. The article explained how people’s dreams are shaped by the environment they grew up in. I know that my dad and a trip to his job shaped mine.
When I was a kid, I liked drawing and painting, and my father encouraged me. I took lessons, and he provided all the supplies that I needed. I can't imagine what my life would be like now if Dad hadn’t stood beside me.
My father was a civil engineer at a construction company, and one summer vacation, he took me to work. I found some work that architects had drawn, and I was fascinated by it. I looked at each one. I began copying them. That’s when I first thought about being an architect. After that, I started studying the design of historical buildings and sketches by famous architects. I dreamed of studying architecture in college, and that came true in _____ when I entered ________________________ . And since I graduated in _____ , my dream has grown: I want to find my own unique style, so I came to the USA to follow that dream. And even if things get hard, I won’t give up.
Of course I can never know what my life would be like now if I’d grown up in a different environment, and I know I could have made different choices, but I can see the fingerprints my environment left on my life. I know how the people and events in my environment affected my life and my dreams. I see how my father, my art classes, my trip to my father’s job, and my college studies have all played a major role in my dreams.
