Wendy’s Movie Review: 微笑的魚 A Fish with A Smile

Saturday, January 24, 2009
A fish with a smile
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=haUYU037UmI

This is a animation movie. A man usually goes through an aquarium and he sees a fish that it always smiles at him whatever how is he. One day, the man decides to buy the smile fish and he likes it very much. Whenever the fish always keeps with him and smiles at him. At that evening, he chases his fish, dives water, swims in sea, and he enjoys it. Suddenly, he discover to be surround. The movie is great and it give us a good example. I hope you would like it.
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You chose a wonderful movie, and I really like your link — you just click on it and go there. I have copied the addresses from sites and pasted them in my blog, but I really wanted to do what you did. If I can’t figure out how to do it this weekend, please show me how to do it on Monday.

CONTENT
I think that most of your content is fine — however you have major grammar and vocabulary problems. You do not have a topic sentence, but I think that it might still work out to be OK. However, the following sentence needs to be clarified: “The movie is great and it give us a good example.” Why is the movie great? What do you mean by, “it give[s] us a good example”? Please see “COHESIVENESS” for more specific advice.

GRAMMAR AND VOCABULARY
I have corrected all of your grammar and vocabulary, but the following paragraph is not a good paragraph yet. However, if you fill in the blanks with grammatically correct sentences that do not spoil the movie by telling the reader too much, you will probably have a good paragraph.

A Fish with a Smile
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=haUYU037UmI

“A Fish with a Smile” is an animated movie. A man usually goes to an aquarium, and he sees a fish that always smiles at him. One day, the man decides to buy the smiling fish because he likes it very much. He takes the fish with him as he goes about his nightly routine (e.g., eating, watching TV, and showering), and the fish always smiles at him. That evening, he has a dream about the fish, and he discovers what it’s like to be alone. The movie is great because __________________ , and it has a nice message: __________________. I hope you will like it.

COHESIVENESS
The grammar and vocabulary problems made this quite difficult to follow. You don’t have an introduction, and you do not have a topic sentence:

• http://www.eslbee.com/topic_sentences.htm
• http://eslbee.com/topic_sentences2.htm

• http://lrs.ed.uiuc.edu/students/fwalters/para.html

But that might be OK. It might work without an introduction or topic sentence because you start with a chronological narrative, and that’s easy to follow. I tried to structure my revision of your paragraph so that one event clearly follows another event, until it just hints at what comes last — generally speaking, do not tell the reader how the movie ends. If you fill in the blanks above with stuff that is relevant, easy for the reader to understand, and does not spoil the movie by telling the reader how the movie ends, you will probably be OK.

Homework:

1. Fill in the blanks with something that is relevant, easy to understand, and does not spoil the movie for your audience.
2. Choose another movie, and write another review. This time, I want you to have a clear introduction that has a topic sentence, a body that is easy for the reader to follow, and a definite conclusion. Do not tell the reader too much about the movie because that will spoil it for them. (See the sites included in “COHESIVENESS” for an explanation of a topic sentence.)
3. After you finish your movie review, save a copy. Then read it and make corrections. Reread it and make corrections. Reread it again and make corrections. Reread it and make corrections until you think that you have corrected everything.
4. Finally, I want you to post two versions of your paragraph on your blog: 1.) The First Draft; 2.) The Final Draft.